Wednesday, March 26, 2008

When He Left

She felt lonely and alone when he left. She didn't blame him, really ~ she did so many foolish, naughty and evil things that made him go away. She felt scared when he went away, and she didn't know when he would return or where he went. She did not much like her own company ... she hated being alone, left to her own devices. And yet ... the presence of most other humans intimidated and encroached upon her ~ crowds suffocated and drowned her.

She described herself as a living breathing contradiction ~ in every sense of the word. An understatement, for sure. She felt paranoid ... wondered whom she could believe ... mostly wondered if she could believe herself and the information her senses provided to her. She felt like an emotional burn victim ... she felt like she had no emotional skin. So sensitive ... to feelings that swirled around her. She felt ... and so many times just wished she could stop ... feeling. Unworthy. Bad. All wrong. That's how she felt.

And when the pain swept over her ... it didn't merely pass through her ... it possessed her. She felt ... unreal. She wondered ... where her Self had gone to ... and if she, indeed had ever really known or faced this Self. She felt damaged ~ like a worthless car wreck. She felt like she needed to apologize for her Self. When the pain took hold, like some virulent demon ... she could not consider the past ... nor any prospects for the future. The present ~ in all its searing sorrow ~ occluded her vision ... like a blindfold; she could not see. Make it stop ... just make the pain demon go away.

Please, Pilot ... come back to me.


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