Friday, March 18, 2011

Thoughts On A Certain Pilot

Posted at my tumblr site

I feel a deep, yet dull, sadness  when I think of you ~ a hollow man, a black hole that devours everything substantial in its path. When sparing my life meant leaving you, my heart felt as though it dried up. You remain, to me, a question without an answer, a perpetual white-hot flame burning my heart, from the inside, out, and eating away at my soul. So many times you left me, leaving only your enormous absence. What of our love, if such a fragile entity ever existed? I cannot say, because putting it into words would only destroy any meaning of what lay between you and I.

I have tried to burn up my memories of you, of us. But the ashes only reconstituted themselves back into memories, each time rendering themselves more difficult to burn than before. When I ponder the beauty of broken things scattered across the formless soul of our union, I see so clearly that the broken thing is you, and not our relationship, not our love. Our love distills itself down to my love. A broken you has no capability of love. And love cannot, does not, ever break itself. Your inherent pollutants consumed you long before you entered my heart and my life. No matter how much I loved you, I could never fill the vortex inside you. No one could.

6 comments:

Tess said...

"You remain, to me, a questions without an answer" has enormous insight into loss.

K9 said...

you are firing on all cylinders with this one. you could write a beautiful novel based on your experience because i think you take us there without self pity but with an unwavering eye and the strength to look at a situation and call it by its rightful name. You are a very fine writer Roxanne.

claire said...

I see so clearly that the broken thing is you, and not our relationship, not our love.

Oh, tinkerbell, I love this sentence. It fills with energy and glee somehow.

A searing post :-)))

Blessings on you, my sister.

Word in the Hand said...

beauty in loss - lovely, tinkerbell

Mayden' s Voyage said...

I have a friend who consumes everything within and around me. For over a year I've tried to help my friend, and there seems to be no end to what can be taken, to what can be used up, to what can be broken- and what you wrote here rang like a clanging bell in my heart.
My friend is broken. Also consumed by chemicals, and pain...to the point that everything else in the world is eclipsed. My love, my care, my advice, my resources- poured into a broken vessel who may never give anything back in return.

Wow. I needed to read this today. Thank you ♥

Christina said...

i loved reading this, my friend.
xo

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