Tuesday, June 07, 2011


BEHIND WHICH DOOR, WILL YOU FIND ONE BILLION DOLLAR, OR A BAG OR RICE??photo © 2010 marc falardeau | more info (via: Wylio)

My heart feels empty, like an empty vessel, waiting, just waiting for guidance or approval, or both. And fulfillment, as in waiting for something cosmic to fill it's painful emptiness. My heart aches at the reality of  this existential solitude. My living experience is my own ~ mine alone and no one else's. The fact the some things ~ lofty temptations, disjointed feelings and incomprehensible thoughts ~ are mine alone to bear fills me with a cavernous sort of loneliness. I sometimes catch myself longing for the old life ~ a life lived only for the next reefer. And sad as this thought feels, the fact that I've had it renders me even more sad. My heart feels confused about where it's loyalties should lie. That leaves it feeling wretched ... ungrateful and wretched. I feel unworthy, and somewhat unreal. And sometimes, even purposeless. I tell myself that, this too shall pass. And so, I do nothing to drown out this disconcerting emotional thinking. And I just wait. And I just hope. For my self to return.


Christina said...

"this too shall pass" yes my friend.
so beautiful and written with such tenderness.

Diana said...

Hey, I found you via Susannah Conway's blog. "My living experience is my own ~ mine alone and no one else's" really resonates with me (I'm working through anxiety, myself). No matter how great a support system one may have, in the end our decisions are our own. Being in that place of loneliness offers us a chance to learn about ourselves and grow into better people, but boy does it suck! :-)

Best of luck to you.

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