Monday, December 28, 2009

A Welcome Impasse

I find myself at an impasse with my Self. A welcome impasse. Frictions created through the intricacies of my illness have quieted themselves. A calm certitude replaces extreme desperation and exuberance. In this, I feel quite alien. Disquieted, almost. Creative expression that flowed so fluently from the depths of chaotic and episodic illness, has tempered; now, it only germinates from the seeds of contemplation and consideration. I long for the joyful, sated experience of a really good book. This makes me wonder, does a bipolar in remission miss the hypomanic episodes? I feel inclined to answer yes. Where does the line exist, between happiness and hypomania? Can those of us on the inside see it just as clearly as those on the outside? I don’t think we can. That’s what defines us as “insiders.”


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