Indeed. When I first began, blogging transformed me into this restless creature ~ relentlessly trying to forge her unfound Self. She conjured up image after image of someone or somewhere else through which to live vicariously. Relentless, obsessive ~ forging layer after layer of Self material. Only to discover that she could never make what she sought ~ it already existed. She became an onion. A self-peeling onion.
That's yours truly, in search of something unfound ~ continuously peeling away a layer, only to find another one, obscuring this thing, this treasure, I seek. I've spent such time, energy and effort existing within a layer for a time, then peeling it away, and repeating the cycle. Each time, I’ve gotten closer to the truth. Each time, I’ve come closer to realising that I will never find myself amongst any of these discarded layers. I do not reside there, embedded within the masks I previously wore. I have been here ~ inside me ~ all along, trapped inside, beneath a thick veneer of falseness. I'd built a false Self up with my own fear, shame, regrets and nightmares. It grew so dull and dreary inside ~ just plain ugly. I felt too humiliated to invite anyone inside or to let myself out. Why bother? No one would like what they see, anyhow. This dissenting voice tried hard to suck the life force out of me. Like J.K. Rowling's dementor creature. It almost won, on a few occasions.
Fear by fear, I'm dismantling that false Self. I'm sifting through the broken wreckage of my nightmares and terrors. I'm scouring the landscape for clues to clarity ... on how to let go. I'm learning acceptance. I'm seeing life, the world, everything, through different eyes. Sort of like, the cataract surgery was very successful. But, my work's not finished, not by a long shot. I need to taste humility before I can wholely swallow acceptance. Humility means consciousness of one's own failings. It means letting go of the me I have created for myself. It means surrendering to the me creation created me to be. It's scary. It feels like free falling. Falling in complete surrender, like the downhill skiers physically surrender when they take a tumble down the mountainside. Counter-intuitive though it seems for the control-addled body, skiers make themselves go limp during a tumble to reduce the impact of the fall, and consequently the severity of injuries sustained.
Go with the flow. Do not stagnate. Do not become that pillar of salt. Resist the urge to resist letting go. Wrestle with the darkness. Overpower your despair. Letting go, free falling into the unknown, that's the path that leads to Authenticity. Harnessing the power of me through mindfulness practise and diverse creative expression draws me close enough to taste what's real. Getting this close erodes my comfort zone, forces me to transcend the ordinary. Humility feels uncomfortable, at first. When choosing truth I reflexively resist myself. I can feel my own, lingering darkness. I wrestle with angels. Perpetually. My own dark angels. Peace means more than feeling pleasure and avoiding pain. It means holding oneself to account [read: wrestling one's own darkness]. It means embracing authenticity.