Well, 2010, did you live up to those expectations which I had of you? Let's see ... I chose the words discipline, healing and authentic as thematic for 2010. Wow. How could I have possibly known how these three words would become so huuuge in my life? It sure takes a lot of discipline to submit oneself and one's will and one's life over to healing an addiction. When I chose those words for 2010, I had no clue, really. Was I just fooling myself? Yes ... yes, indeed. Looking back though, I get chills at what seems like prophesy.
So, how did I fare in 2010? Well, make no bones about it ~ healing and recovery is friggin difficult work! An addiction does certainly not get wished away. Sobriety comes only to those who work at it, continuously. Even when things feel sh!tty; especially when things feel sh!tty. And you know what? Authenticity came along when sobriety settled upon me. At 41 years of age, I rediscovered the person I really am. Part of that is being Wulftin's wife. I thank God that I realized this before it was too late. Marriage isn't always all wine and roses; it's difficult work, even gruelling sometimes. I've found the work always worth the trials and tribulations.
Acceptance ~ My Word for 2011
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person,
place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me,
and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing,
or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Until I could accept my addiction, I could not stay clean;
unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world
as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Big Book, p. 449
Simply put, I have no power over people, places and things. Setting expectations high, (or at all) just opens the door for my disappointments, when life falls short of said expectations. Contentment in my life has an inverse relationship with any expectations I have for and in my life. Acceptance, perhaps, seems closely related to surrender. As I grow further into my recovery I have to learn how to accept things I used to chase away with my addiction. Feelings, for instance; as in, intense emotions of any kind. They still feel awkward and unpleasant to me, and my first instinct tells me to run, run away. It takes all of my will power to stay in the moment, and sit with whatever feeling washes over me. Then, at that moment, acceptance comes into play. My failure to accept life as it happens results in more pain for me.
Wishing you all a wonderful, blessed 2011.